“In resurrecting the long undead, I open Pandora’s box. It is not without unease that I do so. I know the dangers, but I also know the possibilities. Live! Live and wreck havoc on the world once more and know that I let you loose to raise up those I love and damn myself.”

“If all your sanctuaries have been invaded where’s the last place you retreat to? In your mind..”

What if someone demanded access to even your most private thoughts? Where do you go?

Have you ever seen a wild stallion stabled and bridled?

There’s an invisible chain around my neck chafing more than ever. What hurts is not that I want to be free of it. What hurts is that I see no workaround and am being pushed until I can no longer endure it and scream bloody fucking enough. You don’t wanna hurt someone you love, but you don’t wanna give up yourself too – what do you do?

I don’t want to be subsumed and swallowed whole. I want a piece of myself to remain separate, sacred, untouchable, which only I can access.

I want coffee and cigarettes whilst typing away in front of my PC – but not literally. I want a locked room in the attic with an open window overlooking an open field. I want to go hermit for months on end just being locked up in my room and flying on wings not given to me. I want, most of all, a partner who understands that chatter can never be a substitute for deep, silent companionship.

If I held your hand, laid back, and just stared out into space – I am giving you much more of myself than I’ll ever give anybody else. It is not the words I speak which will reveal me but those which I don’t. There are moments when conversation is right, but until then, do not force it. Enjoy the moments by which we share a common bond of silence that only our souls can bridge together. It is there, tangible between the space of our locked hands, there in the space not occupied by our separate bodies, there, hanging in the air as the silence stretches into minutes, and the minutes into hours. And if you find that we’ve fallen asleep and a day has gone by with not a word between us being spoken, rejoice for you are then one step closer to unlocking my mind. All I need afterwards is a kiss and a squeeze on my hand and the words: what’s for breakfast? But not literally.

“And the roar between our almost touching hands has grown so loud that only interlocking them will silence it…”

Understand too, that this is not me. This is him. And now it’s me.

“This key I now hand over to you, over this body housing us both. Do with it what you will but remember this: what you inherit from me you will protect. For failing that, I will take back the key and bury you, I will not, but instead throw you out and cast over you the curse of the unreturnable.”

Now I’m hearing the call of the wild. It’s so strong I can almost taste the wind on my lips, rake the wind in my hair, and feel the tug of the boat.

*cue song*

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
‘Til it was a battle cry

I’ll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Now, we’re back to the beginning
It’s just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can’t feel it too
Doesn’t mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger
‘Til they’re before your eyes

You’ll come back
When they call you

No need to say goodbye

He holds the key now, but it doesn’t mean he owns it. It’s truly a hopeless case trying to find out which one of us is dominant. Isn’t it just enough to know that there are seasons and there are reasons behind the madness?

Rest in peace. But not literally.

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