Music and films – they’re the keys to my deepest emotions and buried memories. Every story, every event, every second of my forgotten life comes imprinted with music and films that define that time, that day; the way I felt and how ordinary each event felt back then. If you would look through my life, my life would be a series of films and soundtracks. Nothing demonstrates this more than the film Hackers. This was the watershed moment of my life. No, not the exact moment I watched the film but the entire era of my life encompassed by this one simple film.
It was the 2nd year of high school and I was on the start of a journey that would take me from dreamer to poet to writer. In one age, an age called by some as innocence, I was as naive as the next blue boy on the block. More immature than most and very impressionable, I took to whims and emotions as fast and as erratic as a bee chasing flowers. But I had a guiding hand in my development, one that I’ve never stopped to look up to as my one and only mentor.
Then on this one innocuous day, a day so ordinary you would not think anything of import would happen, a group of us and said mentor decided to go watch a movie. This movie did not forever changed my life. No. In fact, it hardly made a dent into my already predetermined life. But it did burn memories deep into my mind which rises so clearly on occasions I would hear the soundtrack of this film.
This song, and this movie marked a period in my life when I was just developing as a writer. Crash and Burn aren’t just words from a movie for me, Angelina Jolie isn’t just my favorite actress, and Heaven Knows isn’t just some unknown song I only just discovered later in my life. They’re all threads of a memory of me growing up, pangs and all. This is me at my most vulnerable and most pure state. I am a vortex of emotion. A roiling, thundering wave of pure juice. In my most visceral state, music draws out each threads of my life – and rising out of the ashes are hundred of images connected to each thread. Each thread is a memory, and each memory is an emotion I buried.
Have you ever wondered why I never cared a whit for photos? Why I hate posing for the camera? It’s not the resulting image that I abhor, but the interference such posing produces for an otherwise pure moment in my life. If you would capture me in a photo, do it with candid shots. I would rather remember the moment, than all the posing and hassle it took to “capture the moment.” I don’t need pictures to remind me of events. I have my music and my movies to do that for me. Clearer and more indestructible than photos, my burned memories only need a trigger to resurface. With those triggers being music and movies. Though sometimes, I bury things too deeply that a random search wouldn’t be able to access.
In an age, a time most consider mid-life, I am well on my return way home. Less mature than I would like to be, yet wiser in some ways, I bob and weave on the waves like a sailboat. I look for things that I have lost and throw away things that I wouldn’t need. Less naive than when I started, I still am that boy afraid to burn my all. I am still that tempest of emotion, lying untapped and waiting to be sparked to a conflagration. My emotion is the fountain from which my inspiration springs forth. From my heart to my pen spills a thousand and one emotion – all crying out to be free.
Why do I want to lock these away? Fire brings the intensity, the power of my words. Yet that same fire will burn everything I have. Every time I crack open a memory, a gout of flame bursts forth. It will consume me eventually. But for the nonce, I’d like to enjoy what I have and put off the inevitable. The combustible liquid in me can wait for a while longer. For now, I listen to this music and hold off eternity at bay. I’ve made peace with my past, and I’ve connected you to my future. This song isn’t originally yours. I didn’t even know its lyrics much less its tune until I connected it to you. But now this song is yours. For in the gap between that day when I was fifteen and today when I’m 30 spans a bridge of fate that led me to you. And every step of it is worth crossing if only I can sing this song again to you.
Then I would burn myself to cinders, and out of this fire will come out a film. A film, a song, and memories of a lifetime